The longer I work with leaders who’re out there doing their damndest to succeed, the more I notice how much we wrestle with our internal contradictions, and how often that wrestling hurts us.
We want to be decisive but inclusive, visionary but pragmatic, confident but humble. You have to continually balance on the wire between being authoritative and approachable. Between strategic thinking and tactical execution. Between pushing for results and nurturing your team.
In the struggle to reconcile these contradictions (and so many more) there comes abundant second-guessing and self-doubt, and I’ve worked with leaders who believe these tensions represent some fundamental flaw in their leadership.
These tensions simply represent the fact that you’re human, and the questions I always ask these leaders, with a little tongue in my cheek, is:
What if being both a leader and a human wasn’t a flaw at all?
What if it was actually the source of your greatest strength?
The Tightrope Walk of Leadership
"Humans are creatures of deep contradiction, caught between the longing for connection and the fear of loss, the desire for freedom and the need for security." — Christopher Bollas
Leadership is essentially a series of tightrope walks between contradictions.
I remember one project I picked up that was in a genuine mess, with its successful delivery being simply impossible under the existing plans and constraints. It was destined to go very, very wrong, but all the messaging to the client was that everything was right on track. Nothing to see here.
Then it turned out that the client was someone I’d worked with closely years before. We’d been in the trenches of delivery together, we’d hung out socially, we’d laughed and we got to know one another pretty well.
So there I was, caught between loyalty to the agency and loyalty to a valued contact. Caught between my own integrity and harming the reputation of those who’d brushed the problems under the carpet. Caught between honesty and optics.
Every leader I know lives in this tension. We maintain the illusion that everything will be great while throwing ourselves on the grenade. We work to keep everyone happy while asking more and more from them. We flip between giving clear direction and nurturing teams to find their own solutions. We act like we know the perfect formula for structure and ways of working versus flexibility.
This tension is a bubbling soup that constantly shifts based on context, people, circumstances, and where your own head’s at at a given time.
Contradictions Are Flavour
It’s easy to interpret your contradictions as evidence of indecision, inexperience or even of not being up to the job. But the problem isn’t the contradiction, it’s the expectation that you shouldn’t experience contradictions.
The problem is the assumption that good leadership requires consistency or constancy of thought and deed, when in fact those things often dull the edges of leadership, and it’s the ability to hold opposing ideas simultaneously that’s a marker of critical thinking and emotional intelligence.
It’s your internal tensions that add flavour to your leadership, and they can manifest in some fascinating ways:
- The leader who fiercely advocates for her team while also holding them to rigorous standards
- The founder who can shift from visionary big-picture thinking to detailed analysis in the same meeting
- The manager who balances vulnerability with strength, showing both openness about challenges and confidence in finding solutions
I’ll bang this drum as loudly and passionately as I can for as long as I can — your contradictions create richness in your leadership.
They give you range, depth, and the ability to respond to complex situations with nuance rather than rigid, one-dimensional approaches.
Being Spectacularly Human
Conventional leadership development often adds unnecessary layers of complexity that make it easier to feel like you’re failing, or create a constantly moving target of perfection that's impossible to hit.
Be nimble, but also strategic. Be transparent, but also politically savvy. Focus on people, but results are what matter.
Think about the most compelling leaders you know or admire. I guarantee they understand that their internal complexity is precisely what allows them to respond to the complexity of the world around them.
The capacity to embrace your humanity and feel conflicted — to want connection and also independence, to desire both freedom and security — isn't a bug in leadership. It's a feature. It's what allows us to be adaptable, nuanced, and responsive.
Embracing Your Paradox
In my leadership roles I’ve bounced between being serious and being silly, being quiet and being vocal, handing out actions and letting people self-organise, towing the line and setting the course, knowing the answer and allowing things to play out.
I’ve leaned into so many of my edges and contradictions at different times in different ways, and they always helped me find a way through that felt…right.
Some thoughts for you as a leader:
- 1Notice your contradictions without judgment. When you feel pulled in different directions, get curious rather than critical. There's power in acknowledging and exploring the complexity you're navigating.
- 2Deconstruct your expectations into options. Success isn't sticking to ideas of what should be done or how things ought to happen. It's developing the capacity to hold multiple truths simultaneously, which gives you options for meaningful action.
- 3Find the wisdom in the tension. Often, the most powerful insights emerge not from choosing one side or the other, but from the creative space between opposing thoughts, feelings or positions. I’m the biggest fan of finding the “third option”.
The next time you feel caught between contradictory impulses or judge yourself harshly for living in the fuzzy middle of opposing ideas, know that these aren’t liabilities or failings.
These are evidence of you being spectacularly human, with all the unfathomable complexity that entails.