How to Be Unfuckwithable

The world is a crazy place.

Especially these days.

And right there in the middle of it all, trying to make a decent go of things, is you.

Then life starts fucking with you. Messing up your plans. Letting you down. Upending your metaphorical table.

And then other human beings come along, with their own ideas and plans, who aren’t backwards in telling you how to do things or where you’re going wrong.

Sometimes, it's a lot.

So when life starts fucking with you, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little bit more...unfuckwithable?

A bit more resilient.

A bit less fragile.

A whole lot more confident.

Because then you could do more of what you want with greater ease and flow, rather than feeling like you’re dealing with obstacle after obstacle and trying to push treacle uphill.

Well, is this your lucky day, because here are five ways you can be more unfuckwithable, starting right now.

1. Get Real With Yourself

You can’t be unfuckwithable while you’re fucking yourself over. So first of all you have to get real with yourself.

The things you’re pushing away need to be faced.

The things you’re denying need to be accepted.

The things you don’t want to think about need to be welcomed in.

This is not easy, not by a long stretch. It takes courage and it takes time. But squaring up to how you’ve been doing yourself a disservice is essential, otherwise there’s a whole universe of things that will keep fucking with you.

It starts with self-honesty

Some real, bare, staring-you-in-the-face honesty that shines a light on the things that you’ve been trying to keep in the dark. These don’t need to be big, life-changing secrets, like being with the wrong person, denying your sexuality or not accepting grief.

They can be smaller, more subtle things, like a fear of intimacy, carrying shame about something you did or didn't do, or not facing up to a piece of your personality you don't like much.

You have to get real with yourself and own what you find. Call it tough love, but it is love. A radical act of love towards yourself to own who you are and where you are.

That's unfuckwithable.

2. Tell Better Stories

The stories you tell yourself will fuck with you longer and deeper than anyone else ever will.

When you tell yourself the story that “other people are better at this than me“, you’ll feel on the back foot and not good enough. When you tell yourself the story that you need to “fit in”, you’re prioritising the safety of not be singled out over bringing everything you’ve got to the moment you’re in. And when you tell yourself the story that “I can’t screw up or fail”, you’ll never risk much of anything and never gain much of anything.

Your stories shape your experience. When you start telling yourself better stories, you get a better experience

Your brain constructs stories that fit its primary motivation to minimise risk and maximise reward. Anything that keeps you safe, stops you from being rejected or keeps you from risking failure is all the reward it needs. So those are the stories it tells you.

But there are different stories. Better stories.

Like the one about how you’ll be okay, no matter what happens. Or the one where you’re greater than the sum of your parts and can learn and grow in ways that meaningful to you. Or the one where you’re already worthy of love and belonging.

A huge part of being unfuckwithable is seeing the stories you tell yourself that fuck you over, then finding new stories that serve you better.

3. Park the Drama

Drama is for the Kardashian-loving, opinion-spewing, self-important fools of the world.

Drama is mired in detail. He said, she said. Who did what. Who didn’t do what. Who likes who. Who hates who. The real problem is. What should have happened is. I can’t believe they did that. And then what happened is. And then. And then. And then. And then. And then.

When you’re in the drama, all you can see is the endless, rolling, tumultuous detail and how unfair it all is. It puts you in a place where the whole world is fucking around and not listening to you. It’s puts you in a place where you’re endlessly fucked with.

Drama keeps you busy while what really matters to you slips away. And it’s the stuff that matters to you — whether it’s love, creativity, contribution, laughter, connection or whatever else — that makes life rich with texture and possibility.

Being unfuckwithable means not attaching meaning to the stuff that keeps fucking with you

Go to where the meaning is, not the trivial.

Go to where the potential is, not the problems.

Go to where the vision is, not the vultures.

4. Engage, don’t struggle

How many times in your life have you struggled against where you found yourself? A place in your career that you didn't ever want to be. A relationship that didn’t feel right or took an unwanted swerve. Or a life that seems to be a string of “almosts” and struggles to come into focus.

Today, it sure seems like life is a struggle for a lot of people, and I wonder about that.

I wonder about the classic, romantic idea of struggle as a noble or necessary thing. The idea that you’re like a beleaguered adventurer, trying to do what’s right and battling against all the stuff out there that’s pitted against you .

It sets up conflict right from the start. You against the world, in a do-or-die effort to get free of constraint or resist attack. It’s a conflict that’s not just exhausting, but fucks with how you see yourself and how you see your place in the world.

So don’t struggle, engage.

When you find yourself in a situation or circumstance that you’d rather not be in, own it. Welcome it. Love it.

Because it’s only when you love the hell you’re in that you get to make choices based on the best of you rather than your worst.

It’s only when you drop the weighty and frustrating “Why me…?” and start the weightless and freeing “Now then…” that you get to make good choices based on the fact that you’re already whole and worthy of love and belonging.

So fuck struggling. Engage.

5. Take a stand

Taking a stand is that thing you do when someone or something comes at you and asks you to step aside, and you say, “No, not today”.

Literature, movies and history are filled with people who did it — Martin Luther King. Erin Brockavich. Captain America. Mother Theresa. Harry freakin’ Potter.

Of course, if your spine happens to made from damp socks then you’ll fold quicker than Superman on laundry day.

Rolling over instead of taking a stand for something that matters to you does 3 things:

  • diminishes your sense that you can have a meaningful impact
  • sets up patterns of behaviour where people-pleasing and fitting in is more important than making a decision that matters
  • fucks with you

Now, this doesn’t mean that you always have to come out swinging, that you have to transform an entire community or save the whole world. No, taking a stand can happen in the small moments that we all experience.

Like saying “No” when there's an option to take a short cut that might just compromise one of your values. Like finishing on time because you want to spend quality time with someone you love. Like prioritising a personal project (getting fit, writing a book, setting up a business) over slouching in front of the TV.

Or even  might mean making a choice towards gratitude and wholeheartedness instead of cynicism and judgement

Say no when you need to. Face a challenge when it’s right to. Be responsible when it’s easier not to.

Because when you know what really matters to you, and that includes what you will and won’t compromise on, you're unfuckwithable.

So many ways to fuck with yourself

There are so many more ways you get to fuck with yourself each and every day.

Trying to validate your identity by people-pleasing and becoming a bottomless pit. Chasing an unchallenged notion of success because that’s what you’ve been told or trained to do. Not owning your story or your self because to do so requires you to be vulnerable, which you’re not about to do because that’s scary as all hell.

With all these ways to fuck with yourself, it’s a miracle you get anything done.

But you do get things done

You have times when you smash through a challenge, because you bring your best to it and leverage every ounce of your capability. You have times when you do something that gives you the warm fuzzies because it matters so much. And you have times when you make a connection with someone without having to hide or pretend or divert.

Acceptance over denial.

Ease over struggle.

Integration over separation.

This is how you stop fucking with yourself, become unfuckwithable and start living confidently.

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  • This is amazing & can totally relate. Becomes even more magnified at this time of year. I find myself actually seeking out the darkness as a safety blanket when it gets too much. This is a perfect reminder that my most content times are when I simply live in the moment. Thank you Steve.

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